Just a rant

Today I was going to write about how I felt like a parasite and a burden on the community because I’m a stay at home mum with Pebbles. I literally am only living in a flat because of my baby, if I didn’t have Pebbles I would be on the street.
Then I watched Bad Moms, I won’t be cliché and say it changed my whole view on the world but it has changed my perspective on a lot of things.
Every day I clean, I cook, I run errands, I do the shopping, I teach Pebbles about the world and more importantly she teaches me. If I was a live-in Nanny I would be paid to do my job but I am not, I stay at home and look after my own little girl. Don’t get me wrong I always wanted to be one of those Mum’s who had the nice house, a decent career and had my Mummy shit together but I’m not in that position at the moment.
Some days I ring up my Mum and spend hours complaining about Pebbles… She peed on the floor, she ripped up a book, she has stains on her clothes that I can’t get out but I love her to absolute bits. Sometimes she can be a real pain in the ass and sometimes butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. But I would still put my life on the line for her.
As a Mum I feel I need to constantly prove something. I cook nearly everything from scratch even though it’s fucking expensive. I spend hours cleaning and tidying just for it all to be messy again and I buy cleaning utensils I never actually use. I swear the mop I have is just for display. This is all so I can show everyone I have my life together when really I don’t have a clue.
Sometimes I pretend I am taking a shit just so I can have five minutes to myself, sometimes I lay on the sofa watching Pebbles play when I am exhausted and sometimes if Pebble’s won’t eat the first three meals I’ve made her I just let her have crisps and chocolate for dinner.
I sometimes feel wayyy over my head. I think we all know what I mean. If you’re not cracking up, you’re hiding something, if you are cracking up people talk about it behind your back.
That brings me onto the Mums judging each other. I do it, everybody does it. We all like to think we never judge or compare other Mums but we do. Either we do it in our heads or vocally because all of us believe we are doing the best to raise decent well rounded human beings.
Whilst watching Bad Moms I felt a sense of relief that I wasn’t the only person in the world who felt like they shouldn’t have to conform, that I am a woman as well as a mother and not a robot that has to work 24/7.
I want to go to gigs and get ridiculously drunk whilst singing and getting the words wrong to songs I should know as I have listened to them go knows how many times. I want to take Pebbles up in a hot air balloon and show her all the sights below. I want to have fun as a woman and a mother.
A woman from slimming world rang me up to ask on a scale from one to ten where I felt like I needed to lose weight right now. She burst out laughing when I said a 3 or a 4. Yes I should be attending those over blown therapy sessions to keep my doctor happy but I am happy with the way I look. When I was a size 12 I missed being a size 18. When I was a size 18 I wanted to be a size 12 now I really couldn’t give a flying fuck. I walk about two hours a day, I eat healthily and do some yoga at night and tonight I thought fuck it. I had breaded chicken and wedges with NO vegetables then I had TWO chocolate bars and a glass of NON DIET coke. I am sick of trying to be this perfect person.
I may live on benefits now, I may be overweight and I may chain smoke whilst listening to the same music I listened to when I was 18 when Pebbles isn’t here but Pebbles is still healthy, she’s happy and even though she’s got some problems she is a kind little girl. I am just telling other mothers out there in the same position just to chill out. According to society we are all going to fuck up our children one way or another so we might as well have fun with them whilst doing it.
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