How to be the PERFECT Mother

• Breast feed from birth, but NEVER in public.

• Go out to socialise your child but for the love of cheese DO NOT FEED YOUR BABY IN FRONT OF ANYBODY!

• If you bottle feed, prepare for scolding stares from people walking by as you feed your baby cows devil milk. Even if you can’t breast feed or simply choose not to, you are evil. GET THOSE TITS OUT, but NEVER in public!

• Also using a push chair in shops and public places can really inconvenience people but don’t carry your child because you may get back problems that may cost the NHS so expect your child to levitate around public places.

• KEEP UP YOUR APPEARANCE, make sure you look neat, tidy and clean but don’t leave your baby alone for one second!

• Perhaps just look clean, you don’t want to show your child that you wear make-up, perfume ect. Because that may cause self-esteem issues in later life. Even if you use it as a way to express art and individuality.

• Exercise from the moment your baby comes into this world! As soon as you give birth try and get rid of the baby bump. Forget about enjoying your child and the fact you’re exhausted. GET ON A TREADMILL.

• Don’t go to the gym because you shouldn’t leave your child for one second. If you do, your child will think you hate them for the rest of their lives.

• But try to have a social life and leave the baby with a family member. Of course most abuse is caused by some-one the child knows. But you need some time to yourself… hope you feel guilty.

This is only a few examples of how we are a society of contradictory and paranoid people. When we aren’t being shamed for having a “night off”, we are condemned for being too clingy to our children that could cause separation anxiety.

You can’t win, you can never impress everybody. The only person you should impress is yourself and your little ones.

Every child/ parent relationship is different and complex. Every child has different needs for parents to fulfil. If your child is fed, has a supply of fresh water, is clean, is dry and is warm, then you are already an amazing parent. Go you!

Also to all the parents who have picky eaters, anti-sleep, adventurous, worldly children kudos to you for managing to keep them healthy!

We are all people love your life and your kids and try not to worry about the trivial stuff.


Hope you enjoyed reading this article and you continue being awesome!


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